census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
