I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
