...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
