but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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