You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
