it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
