jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
