shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
