what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
