Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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