there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
