We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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