I could have mohawked her pubes.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
