On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
