I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
