Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
