when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
