Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
home. puking in laundry basket.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
