In the future we'll all be gay
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
