I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
