My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
