she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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