I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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