I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
