I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I believe in your delicious
Randomize
