I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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