Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Randomize