You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
