Well apparently he's into motor boating.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
We were destined to go to rehab together
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
