Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
