We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
