new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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