OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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