I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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