It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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