Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
The Olympian is in my bed
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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