i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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