FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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