Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
