im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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