the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
