Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
