so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
