You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
