dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
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