if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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