I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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