I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
