I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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