did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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