trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
