In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
